Vanity vs. God's Will

Last summer, I felt very specific promptings that I was to try and have another baby. I fought that feeling all summer & fall, and then as I got pregnant in December. During that pregnancy I put on quite a bit of weight. I thought I have got to get all this weight off + about 20 lbs before I would try again. Well I successfully lost 14 lbs, and I was finally feeling like I was on my way to a healthier me.

Then I started having feelings in May that I needed to begin the process (once again) of trying to get pregnant. This time I fought feelings of vanity. I hated how I look. I never that I would be an overweight person. I signed up for the DC RAGNAR, and I was going to try and put the feelings off once again until I could loose 20 more pounds.

In June we were sitting in sacrament meeting, and I had this overwhelming feeling that I should love myself regardless of how I looked because I was trying to do the will of my Father in Heaven. To be honest I shed a few tears. I really like the skinny version of me. It's hard for me to be happy any other way.

For the month of July, I was sick as a dog. Bronchitis, strep and sinusitis. During one of my many doctor visits, I found out that I was pregnant. Yep, that's right. Once again, I am pregnant, and I am huge!!!!

I don't understand how my body works, but it's like as soon as it knows I'm pregnant...WHAM...the weight just starts coming on. At this point, I've almost put all the weight back on that I lost after my miscarriage. I have really tired to not focus on that, but it is so hard.

I'm not as sick this time around, which is a good thing. I am bravely posting this pic of my and the kids with Janice. It saddens me that I look like I am 5-6 months pregnant when I am much less farther along than that. I should be happy, but oh how this has been a struggle. Hopefully, this pregnancy will take. I have resigned myself that I may never get this weight off, but I sure hope that is not the case.